Kiss of Death

Phrases that help you know the guy you are talking to is not interested and probably never will be.

-I remember when you were born!

-You and your sister are both just sweethearts. (This is especially great when in conjunction with a clarification about how young you are.)

Late-Night Ruminations

Cats are statistically eleven times funnier after 10:00 at night. Trust me, I've done extensive research.

Genetics

In the past year I've become addicted to Mormon fashion blogs. Cute modest clothes sometimes with a little wit or humor thrown in; and, admittedly, some are better than others, but I'm only there for shallow reasons anyway. To look at pretty clothes!! (Not to mention distract myself while at work.) I don't really like things like the Sartorialist or other similar type deals; they just seem so pretentious to me. Fashion for fashion's sake. I want real clothes I would actually wear that are flattering to my body, not my puffed up ego that wants to make a "statement."

Now, tirades aside, my penchant for these blogs has led me to crave different items for closet. Most recently boots. Not just any boots. I want knee-high, brown or tan, leather (not suede), flat or kitten-heeled wedges, narrow-toed boots. Sounds too demanding and specific? I give you exhibit A, B, C, D, and E. (Yes two of those are not Mormon, but you get the point.) I've always had a thing for riding boots. It's probably the British woman in my heart longing for classy, equestrian things.

Why, if my desire is so strong, do I not yet have a pair of these amazing boots? You ask such pertinent questions. No, it's not because I'm a total cheapskate and won't bring myself to buy them. No, it isn't because I haven't been to two DSWs and four Rosses in search for them. It's because of one reason. Genetics.

The two people that supposedly love me most in the world, who would do anything for me, who have purportedly sacrificed all kinds of things for my well-being, have cursed me. They gave me freaking fat calves!! Not cankles mind you. Fat calves. There's a world of difference and I can tell you all about it. They have made the hunt for a perfect pair of size 7 1/2 boots to increase my style options seemingly futile. And all they can do is laugh about it. What pirates.

The culprits. Plus a cute little girl to soften the blow.

Consequential Enlightenments

In the clamor of all the demands for me to continue blogging and not fall into the cliche routine of starting a blog, writing about starting a blog, not writing in blog, writing about not writing in said blog, and then deleting said blog, I would like to welcome you to Suzanna's life lessons.

1- How to spot a scammer on Craigslist.
When inquiring about the availability of their unbelievably open $590 a month, 1000 square foot, one bed, one bath apartment in East Palo Alto they tell you they are out of the country and say something along the lines of "i really understand you but everything is trust all man are not the same". Also, when their name is Harry Lamp.

2-When to simply be grateful your boss is as awkward as you.
When you tell him your great-aunt was just killed in a hit-and-run and he uses that as a segue to tell you a story about an old lady who was killed when a kid up in San Francisco was riding his skateboard down a hill and hit her; and she died. When you are filling up your water bottle at 9 o'clock in the morning and his first real sentence to you is about how you're not supposed to reuse the water bottles like that because they gather bacteria; and he chuckles while saying it.

3-How to recognize that sometimes older siblings do not make the best of wing-men.
When they tell the person you have expressed interest in that they want to know how old they are in your behalf. And then relate the story of how said person deliberately said you were "too young" and not realize they broke the wing-man code. When they offer to "put in a good word for you" in front of a person of interest or to person of interest while you are present.

4-Why working in publishing is not going to land you a date any time soon.
Because both the men and women enjoy this picture way too much.

For Those in Need of a Refresher

One Word

Beards

A Busy Day

Recipe for Adventure

Departure Time: 2:15 PM

1 Expected 8 hour trip to Southern California
1 Misfiring engine and required replacement of spark plugs and wires.
1 Raul—Mechanic with open heart surgery scar and complementary chest tattoo
1 Free pen
1 Hour and a half wait in Gilroy’s Little Mexico - google Rom's Auto Services in Gilroy, CA
1 Failed Power Steering Pump
2 Hour-long delays from lane closures on the I-5
1 Lost Serpentine Belt
1 Hour wait in the Tejon Pass’ brake inspection area
2 Friendly truckers
1 Not so friendly Chris the tow truck driver
1 Tow truck dispatch office complete with feral cat inside and purple and pink Cadillac limo outside.
1 Conversation of how to finagle a 161 mile tow out of AAA
1 "100" mile tow from Ivan the tow truck driver.
1 Failure of AAA dispatch to send tow truck
1 Hour and half wait at Denny’s of Fontana
1 45 Mile tow from Some Guy, complete with calf and forearm tattoos
2 Possible speeding tickets for Some Guy
1 Completed 15 and hour voyage

Arrival Time: 5:15 AM

Like I Live on a Slice of Special Cake!

Sometimes I stumble upon something that is so clearly meant for me and my enjoyment that I wonder how to stand it. Those that know me well will require no explanation; they will simply know that my decade has been made.

For those that require explanation, you’re falling behind. Do try to keep up.





And quite possibly my favorite.




Yes, I am already planning on buying as many of these as I can.


And for those of you terribly curious or terribly lost go here.


Happy Christmas!!

Maternal

In case you missed this awesomeness, here's an ode to those "maternal" ladies in our lives.

I Like Lists

Top four reasons being an adult is overrated.
1. Fixing your car no longer consists of getting your dad to look at it.
2. You have to pay to replace your power steering fluid pump.
3. Not having a properly working car isn’t an “excused” absence.
4. When you wake up on a Friday morning and don’t want to get out of bed, you still have to.


Top four reasons being an adult for me is still appreciated.
1. My boss brings treats to big meetings.
2. A reviewer thanked me for my “f/up,” otherwise meant as follow-up.
3. I discovered my company’s large print options.
4. That list leads to screen grabs like the above.

One Man's Bitter Divorce

When I was in Spain I made a trip over to Phillip II's house. No big deal; I was just exploring El Escorial and all that good stuff. Don't I sound cool? While exploring the gift shop, which happened to be conveniently located right next to the mausoleum, I found this awesome map of the world to improve my sense geography. It looks a little something like this.

This is what I'll use for my evidence of sea monsters.

Now my one and only problem is that this bad boy is about 17 x 29. Not exactly the easiest size to find the perfect frame for. Luckily, I've been on a big thrifting kick with the sister lately, so as we were out hunting gently used deals last weekend, I found the most amazing of pictures.

Ever.

And it just happened to come with a great frame.

I guess it didn't work out...

That's right folks. I bought someone's wedding picture. But you might be saying that this isn't just any old wedding picture, and you'd be right. I was examining it trying to figure what exactly made this so special.

Was it the dashing groom with his debonair smile and no-lens glasses?Or was it his lovely bride with turban and cowlick-pouf?

Were the daisies what won me over? Maybe her amazing place-hand-through-elbow-but-still-lean-as-far-as-possible-away-from-new-spouse pose.


Perhaps I'll never know, but this gem is sticking with me.

Bravery

Stupidity is not being scared of anything, and it's often confused with bravery. I have heard bravery described as different things. I remember cheesey movies and people that feel compelled to use the quote that "bravery is not the absence of fear, but the will to overcome it." I'm not about to define my own idea of bravery vs. stupidity, but I will admit--yesterday I did something that different people will say is either very brave or very stupid.

I cut my own hair. By myself.

I know, you're wondering why. Why on earth would I wield a pair of scissors and attack the mass known as my hair without professional help? Well, I'll tell you. The last time I sought "professional" help I wound up with this.

And this.

And yes, I know, part of the reason it was so crappy is because I am way too much of a cheapskate to fork out for a real, capital P, Professional. I'm sorry, but I'm just not willing to part with over $50 of my own money if there is going to be a chance it will wind up looking like the above. It's hard to find someone that really knows and understands curly hair. I'll call or talk to someone and they say they can do anything, anything at all, real good (I'm not trying to be racist, but I should have known that someone of Asian descent might be able to understand thick hair, but not the curly monster I have on my head). I've only had two hair stylists that I really liked, ever. Unfortunately one was down in Hemet over three years ago and I never knew the woman's name, and the other was in Utah. Fail. No way I'm going to either of those just for a freaking haircut. I'd rather go to London. (Emma anyone?)

This might sound like a humble brag, but cutting your own hair is not for the weak of heart. Seriously. It's a rush, and if you freak out halfway through, you're screwed. So, either suck it up and stick it out or be willing to pay the professional. Not one to back down from my own ridiculous challenge, I bought a pair of hair shears at Sally last week and got to work.

First step, straightening, obviously. Then for the chopping. It was rather surreal. I had a bit of an adrenaline rush and then before I knew it, BAM! I had chopped off a good two inches on the left side.

Now keep in mind I did a rush straightening, my hair is totally dirty because you don't wash curly hair as often, and this was my first time cutting anyone's hair. (My sister likes to claim that is a lie because as a child I took scissors to the front of my hair and gave myself an impromptu buzz cut/bangs. Twice. )Also, pardon the awkward cropping, but I was trying to save you from my indelicate immodesty. Gasp!

After

And here's what it looks like curly.

All in all, I like it. Next time I need to do more angling so that it is longer in the front and short like it is in the back, but that's for another day. And yes, I do feel brave for wearing polka dots with plaid.

Abort! Abort! Abort! - Part 3

So, this Michael guy seems pretty normal enough. Why am I making such a big deal out of it? Why am I acting like this is the example of why you shouldn't do online dating? If I was so weirded out by him, then why did I respond?

My name's Suzanna.

Was it silly of me to respond when his first message had been funny, but hinted at some major issues and creepiness? Yes. Was this just a simple cry for attention and a sign of my romantic/social desperation in Provo? Possibly. Was this terse response a simple end to the exchange with the oddly eloquent misogynistic man known as Irishdancer? No.

And

You realize of course Suzanna that its your ability to be able to talk about yourself beyond the normal question thats asked, that impresses me most with your Dimaggio like streak for saying the most interesting things and yet really not being able to back it up beyond a reply of something between 3 words and 3 lines.

And yes, its true your name is very pretty. it reminds me of other such pretty things such as the Terminator blowing away people, my ex wife reminding me that she is actually a gremlin in a human body or Jezebel and how at some point god she must have been downright sexy. But honest to god I can only imagine the passion and fire that lies behind that fortress that you call a heart, and when that drawbridge lowers, you unleashing that terrible excuse for airy fairy sex on some poor unsuspecting man or woman as you descend on them while their eyes scream yes but their lips cry no no dear god no.

And just as the added bonus, let me be the first to remind you that someone actually does find you attractive despite the horns and forked tail poking out from that rear end you call a backside and surprisingly enough, would like to know about you and how you are and what life is like for you, beyond the one word that is your name. so, How are you doing? How's your night been? What do you do for work?

Pardon me. My devilish self has to go work; and by work, I mean unleash my airy fairy sex on unsuspecting men, of course! Yippee!

The Gentle Rebuff - aka Part 2

It might sound like I am trying to make up excuses and seem like less of a dork, but the truth is that this profile on LDSMingle had originally been my sister's account. She was done with it and during the boredom known as my freshman year at BYU I liked to participate in shallow activities; namely, checking out the hotties that lived nearby. I'm not proud of it, no, but there it is. I was seventeen, so allowances must be made.

At that point in time, I had already learned that I wasn't looking for any actual dates from this site (a story for another day). Therefore, when it was summer in Provo, I had just turned 20, and I saw that I had a message on the Mingle, there was no need for celebration.

A few details about the sender--
*28
*Divorced
*Lives in Australia
*Had the profile name of Irishdancer

No, thank you.

All these details led to the following response.

Thank you.

That's the best backhanded compliment I've gotten in a long time. I'm just glad I could bring you some entertainment.

Good luck with the nephews.

Now, I know, I didn't need to respond in the first place. It's an online dating site and the rules of dismissal have been blurred. Yet, he was fairly entertaining, so I chose to be amused. He took that as encouragement.

You're welcome.

Your introduction backhanded approximately 99.95% of the people on here so credit given where credit is die.

And it is a refreshing change to meet a woman who is realistic, smart and just a damn good upstanding person of the millenium, like myself.

I'm Michael, what's your name?

Online Creeping.... I mean, Dating - Part 1

For my inaugural blog post, I thought I'd write about something that is near and dear to most of us. Dating. Some are married, some are single, but no matter what state of life we're in, we've all had to deal with it. The stress of finding someone who sparks your interest, catching their attention, trying to flirt without embarrassing yourself, but still being witty/cute/entertaining/funny/intelligent/clear enough to keep their attention. It's like a gauntlet that most of us voluntarily sign up for--repeatedly.

In comes online dating. It seems like it can clear up so many of the issues. You simply scroll through profiles till you find one that catches your eye. All that's left is to read through their attempts to cram all those previous issues for flirting into a couple thousand characters on their profile, and poof! Instant romance! Your little fingers are sure to be anxiously hovering over the keyboard, anticipating your witty/clever/flirty/non-desperate words to entice that person to check out your profile too. Even if they don't, who cares? It's online, impersonal, and there's plenty more, right?

Enter LDSMingle and similar sites that exist for the lonely Mormons. It's all there. Mormons, Mormons, and more Mormons looking for love, just like you! They even have fancy little settings to pick if you are there for friends, dating, serious relationships, or marriage. Your whole first date is taken care of with one properly filled-out profile and you never have to explain the whole no alcohol/ no sex policy. Score!

However, a properly filled-out profile leads to love-notes, such as this.

Having read through every word of your long introduction that quite frankly has taken away 90 seconds of my life that i actually wont get back no matter how much i pray to whichever god takes my fancy right now, i feel it necessary to at least listen to the one phrase that might actually be worth in your unnneccessary filled, adjective spattered essay which references sarcasm.

Of course, this whole internet dating thing is meant for saying how nice a guy I am and how much of a good match and cry cry cry, insert-boring-reasons-for-dating-here. but people are clearly what they write and you obviously have girl balls.

And me writing this, I am supposed to tell you how bad it is to be jaded and why can't people be nice? but reading through and feeling my self worth and my ego be boosted from your cynicism and narcisstic tendency of an existence which justifies my arrogance and ability to be better than everyone just makes MY day a whole lot better.

And I know, you and your whole 'jaded' perspective apparently is meant to filter or screen or whatever the hell you meant it to do and blah blah with the rest of that sentence but its certainly given me the incentive of providing you with the male perspective of having read whatever it was that you wrote by sharing what i like to call Michael's Moments -

Moment # 1 - If I have to read one more internet dating profile that uses a smiley face and says to a guy reading it, 'its so hard to come up with something', I should be allowed to kill them.

Moment # 2 - If you took all guys off LDSMingle, it would be known as the greatest internet dating site ever.

And moment # 3 - The only way to be respected as a man, nay, AS A PERSON, is to show people who you are, which leads me to say, nice work.

So yes, by the time you reach this point in the email and wondering just why the hell I bothered writing in this and thinking what a darn good read and there is someone else more cynical than you, I bring you back to the fact that there are some people who really just dont care about things like you being cynical and pretending to be jaded and sore and mean.

yes I know, that wasn't what you thought you were going to hear, but pssst, here's the dirty secret, some people just like you for you and honest to god, whether you are a woo hoo hot babe man eater or a complete insanely jaded woman who has no feelings for idiots and moronic fools and guys who cant meet standards, there is still the one person who thinks that that's what dating online was all about in being able to verbally torture someone so that you knew whether they were genuine or not.

and so i think about now would be a good time to wrap this up in the fact that i do actually get some me time tonight as my life seems to consist of having that time removed. things included in being removed from the me-time list include trying to having a shower on my own without my phone ringing, watching a movie at home and having to listen to my neighbours next door go at it with their version of pasty white passionless sex, and spending time with my nephews who think joining me for my afternoon dump qualifies as family time too.

but when it comes down to it, how refreshing it is to see a girl online who isn't scared to be herself. :)

Has he piqued your interest?